therapy

heres what i learned from my therapy today.....

Fear holds you back from asking questions you need to know....if you have a question you've been holding back from someone or about something, ask it. Fear of the answer is what is keeping you from going on with your life. You may not like the answer but at least you will know and then can decide what to do next.

I know one question that I've been fighting with and trying to figure out is "is sex before marriage that bad." I feel a little guilty for asking the question and i feel a bit more guilty for saying that I think the answer may be no. I'm not saying that I'm going to go out tomorrow and find someone to have sex with but when I do find a relationship I want to know the answer to this question and have thought it out so I know where I stand.....

Of course this is just one question that I have, and I have others forming in my head to ask people about myself and different things like that, but I think that what i have taken from therapy is that you need to ask those question, figure out the answers and then you can be yourself more, be more self confident because you know who you are, and you grow from what people tell you.

song lyrics of the day

Probably my favorite song lyrics of all times (or at least right now)

Just.......Radiohead

You do it to yourself, you do
And that's what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you and no-one else
You do it to yourself

How true is that, you have control of everything you do, all the decisions you make, so if life sucks your pretty much responsible for it....and that in itself sucks...I guess there are situations, that someone has done something to you to make your life suck, but if you don't choice to get over it or get help in solving it, then it pretty much is your fault.....there again you are doing it to yourself. sometimes i just wish we didn't have emotions or there was some pill we could take that would just wipe out what we are feeling forever....logically i know that if you didn't have emotions life would be really boring, but sometimes i just wish i didn't have to feel....

love/hate

Things i love and hate, so there are not many things that i hate to do and there are tons of things that i love to do...Actually there are only really two things that i can think of that I hate to do.

1. I hate to wake up in the morning.....I just don't like mornings....i'm a night kind of gal.

2. I hate reading aloud....why? one might ask, well, i've boiled it down to middle school. I was a really slow reader in middle school and when i had to read aloud i was always made fun of....i was the one everyone in class hoped the teacher didn't call to read. and trust me i didn't want to read....so even now, i get all weird and clam up when i have to read aloud and i end up making myself feel like i'm really stupid....which i'm not.....its crazy how childhood things like that can mess you up : )

Okay, for the things I love to do....

1. I love to laugh...this would be in the top 3 things i love to do.
2. I love to perform
3. I love to listen to music
4. I love to dance, which i haven't done in a while
5. I love to play cello
6. I love to hang out with friends and meeting new people
7. I love to read
8. I love to cook...unless its fish, i don't like cooking fish
9. I love to see live music...this would probably be in the top 3.
10. I have found a new love for blogging : )
11. I love to play soccer...also in the top 3
12. I love to watch movies...the more fucked up the better
13. I love to learn new things
14. I love to take pictures
15. I love to write music
16. I love to figure things out in my head...make things make sense (that sounds weird I know)
17. I love to deliver groceries
I could go on, but these are some of my most favorite things to do....

I saw something that i thought was really funny on saturday at the soccer game. it was a van with pictures advertising a Elvis impersonator....next to it was a car with the same pictures....i really wish that my camera had been with me....when you walked into the soccer place there was no mistaking who the Elvis impersonator was. Elvis isn't good at soccer : ) It just makes me laugh to think that people, and lots of them, impersonate Elvis as a living...I don't know maybe its just me.

end of the month

New Years Resolutions 2005....i need to keep myself in check and make sure i'm doing everything i've wanted to do this year.

1. Join a gym...go at least 4 times a week....I did finally join a gym, it took me most of the month, but I have been at least 4 times a week......check for #1

2. Go on vegetarian diet, i can have fish.......#2 check

3. No pop....#3 check

4. Read a book a month.....this month I read Elliott Smith and the Big Nothing.....I really recommend that book, it was really good and Elliott Smith was amazing....I wish i had half of his talent....I'm not sure what book i'm going to read next month, but i better get on it fast.....someone let me borrow, Living in the Now, so i'll probably read that one.

5. There are some problems i'm having with confidence, family and even friends that needs to be solved.....I've been going to a therapist to help me with those and it is the best thing i've ever done.....I truly believe everyone should go to therapy, i have my next appointment tomorrow and i can't wait....

6. Finish masters, decide what I want to do with my life......My class I need to finish my masters didn't make this semester so it looks like i'll be going to school this summer, but i have decided that i'm going to open up a music venue....so in about a year and a half Oklahoma is going to have the most kick ass music venue in the world....okay, maybe not the world, but at least we will have a kick ass music venue....

7. Start saving for England......my piggy bank is full : ) not enough for England but it will get there.

8. Have lots of sex....okay, thats not a real resolutions but i wish it had been : ) with me doing so well with all my others this one would have worked out well for me : ) : )

So far it looks like everything is going well so far this year....next year at this time i'm going to have my shit together, look awesome and almost have my venue.....along with making cool music......rock on.....

moog

A group of us went last night and saw a documentary on Robert Moog, who was the inventor of the moog synthesizer. Pronounced mow-g and not moo-g. (i didn't know that) It was really good, it just amazes me that anyone can build something like that or even come up with the idea....but he did and someone had to come up with the idea for everything we have. His first moogs where really interesting to me...they had many wires coming out of the top and i think it would just be fun to go in and start moving wires and see what kind of cool things you could come up with. It seems like you could come up with a endless amount of sounds. But maybe those wires aren't just for sounds....i don't know, but it would be fun to find out. Bob was an interesting guy, and he wore cool t-shirts. He seemed to live a pretty simple life, but i would think that he has quite a bit of money. He played the Theremin.....which i was just thinking about the other day, in regards to chad and my new project. I have some friends that have actually built one, so i looked last night for plans to build a theremin but i haven't found what i'm looking for. There are Theremin building kits but i know that they didn't build it from a kit. A lot of what I read said they were hard to build, but i don't believe that either. If my friend can build a theremin, so can i. But I will find what I need and build one..... Something I thought was also cool about Bob, was that he respects the musician. I don't think the moog has reached its peak yet....which reminds me of a part in the movie where some musicians were talking about making music and how it was like a sexual experience, you had your foreplay, your climax and then your after math,they went into it more in the movie, which made it funnier, but i would guess that it would be the same kind of thing : ) .....I think that there is so much that you can do with the moog that hasn't really been tried yet, People will start using it more and coming up with ways to make it cool in all kinds of music, not just the electronic sounding things. I think it would be fun to trying run it through different sound moduals and see what happens. I bet you could come up with a lot of fucked up stuff.

two favorite things

Two of my a favorite things are joining....which i am very excited about. Jonny Greenwood (radiohead) is going to be in the upcoming Harry Potter movie. Very, very cool. He is going to be in a band called the wierd sisters. The fourth book is my favorite too, except that i cry at the end everytime...yes, i've read all the Harry Potter books more than once. The new Harry Potter book is coming out on July 16th. I can't wait, its strange but the one thing that I really want to know is how Harry did on his OWLS. Not if voldemort is going to kill anyone else, or who is going to show up in this book, or even if there is more info on Sirius and how he died. i'm a dork like that though. I think God got really busy the day he decided to give me to my family. I'm sure that he wanted me to be British and something came up and he accidently sent me to America : ) Alot of my favorite things come from the UK.

Fire in the Furnace

So I've been listening to a kick ass cd. Its been on my "to get" list for a long time and I have just recently acquired it. They are the Fiery Furnaces and the cd is Blueberry Boat. The cd has some crazy musical things on it. The songs don't seem to have any form....which i like, it goes from one thing right into the next. They have two singers, lyricly they are not my favorite but they are still doing some killer things. They have great key sounds and every song is very different. Its just good, and they are just doing what they want to do instead of conforming to what the radio wants. Of course they are not coming anywhere close to Oklahoma but what do you expect.
I think some of their same concepts will go into the new music "project" i'm working on with my friend, we'll call him Chad. We talked last night, we've got three songs already in the making from other projects that we have done together. I'm also going to purchase a bass pod to run my cello through which is going to be awesome. I'll have all kind of effects at the tip of my fingers. And just being the two of us, we will have a lot of freedom. I'll probably end up playing some keys and violin too. Who know, maybe upright bass. Hopefully in the next few months we will be performing live : ) I love to perform so I can't wait....

I've got good news for all single women.......Orlando Bloom is single...... : )

Ready to Fight

I've got my boxing gloves on and i'm ready to fight the battle for arts in Oklahoma. How, one may ask, and I don't really have a very good answer yet. I know that it is going to start with this music venue. A place people can come that is focused on music. Somewhere that will bring in musicians that don't normal come to Oklahoma. I'm still working on how to get them here, but it will happen. I have pushed all doubts to the back of my mind. If someone doesn't start the battle, then Oklahoma will stay arts unfriendly forever and I couldn't live with that. This Saturday is mission statement Saturday, then we are going to start work on our business plan. And at some point we might come up with a name for the greatest music venue in the world.

It looks like I'm going to be starting a few music groups of my own with a friend. We are going to form a "rock" band of sorts, but not all the members may be the same at every show. Then we are going to work on some more electronic type music, recording drum beats and alternative lines and then have cello and guitar playing live. Which I think would be really fun and it will be really good playing again. By the way, I play cello and have for 19 years. I play all the time but I feel like i'm not playing anything real. I actually considered joining the philharmonic this week, then I decided againist it : ) I love classical music too, but i'll wait until i get old for that : )

Now totally off the subject, I had a dream last night that i was in a house with some friends and all of the sudden water come flowing in from all side and there was nothing that we could do. We ended up trying to swim to a door where the glass had fallen out and tried to escape that way. I remember one of my friends being behind me and i reached for his hand, I didn't stay asleep long enough to see what happened then. It was a very distrubing dream. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be in the Tsunami. In my dream i was fighting for life but was thinking it was pointless. I wonder how many people thought that some thing but kept fighting....

BYW....don't listen to Bright Eyes while working out....its not good workout music : 0

Bright Eyes Day

If you have not bought the new Bright Eyes, run right out and buy or order it immediately. Both cds are amazing...if you have never heard of Bright Eyes, go out and buy everything he has, it is worth your while. Make sure you listen to the lyrics, that to me is the best part of his music. The two that he just released are I'm very awake, its morning and digital ash in a digital urn. My favorite song off of both cds is num 6 (This is the First Day of my Life) on I'm very awake.

"This is the first day of my life, I swear I was born right in the door way, I went out in the rain
Suddenly everything changed their spread, Blankets on the beach
Yours is the first face that I saw, I think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been, But I know where I want to go
So I thought I'd let you know, These things take forever, I especially am slow
But I realized how I need you, And I wondered if I could come home
I remember the time we drove all night, Just to meet me in the morning
Yeah I thought it was strange, You said everything changed, You felt as if you just woke up
And you said, "This is the first day of my life." I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you, And I'd probably be happy, So if you want to be with me, With these things there's no telling, we'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a pay check, Than waiting to win the lottery, Besides, maybe this time it's different I mean, I really think you like me"

I just feel like this songs speaks to me....this is what i am waiting for in a relationship....something that is just simple, it might work or it might not but we make each other happy. A relationship that you can just be yourself. : )

On the Digital Urn...I really like num 3 (arc of time), it just makes me happy. It has a nice groove. Both Cds have some really good anti-war songs, I like those too.

A friend also told me about a Lou Barlow cd that is coming out today....I haven't heard the cd yet, but the songs on his website are really good.

Questions

Don't you hate it when you think you are finally getting your life in order and you talk to a friend and they fuck up your world. Sometimes I wonder if a life in music is worth it at all. I'm trying to figure out if Oklahoma can handle a cool music venue that brings in music that is not heard on the radio? Would something like that make it in Oklahoma? It would be a battle, is it worth fighting? Would it be better to go somewhere else, that values the arts especially music? But are these places that value music to over run with music to make it worth the while?
There has only been one really cool radio station in Oklahoma and it failed : ( Is there hope for a cool music venue? Hum....life decisions....I just know that I'm not meant to be a teacher forever...I also promise not all of my post will be like this one : ) I will leave this post with a writing that I wrote a while ago......A million miles from no where, with time to kill but none to spare, to stay seems inevitable waiting for what time will only tell.

first post

Here goes nothing....i'm starting a blog to write about what i love, which is music....its one of those things that no matter how much, sometime, i would like to get rid of it, i just can't...music to me is the most universal of languages, you can pretty much communicate with anyone through music...and what other things can pull so much emotion out of people. when you are happy, sad or depressed there is music for you, any emotion...i know that is like, duh...but really think about it...is there any else that can do that. I will start will telling you some of the best music, music that I can't seem to stop listening to. 1. Badly Drawn Boy 2. Bright Eyes 3. Sigur Ros 4. Elliott Smith 5. Radiohead (some people will think they are getting to popular to listen to, but what they do with music just amazes me) Okay, there are a lot more, but my mind is wondering to much, so i will stop and write more later....